Let’s Waste Time Chasing Cars
Alexa had just turned one when things were at the worst that it seemed that things could be. She would always try to stay up as long as she could. It was like you couldn’t convince her that everything would still be there when she woke up.
We’d go for walks late at night, when, I was often told, babies weren’t supposed to be out for walks. But it was the best time of the day for both of us. The world went away, the stars shone with possibilities, and my responsibility for Alexa seemed infinite, obvious, and perfect.
When we’d get back, I’d tell her stories of all the adventures that there would be waiting for all of us. Of course, she didn’t understand any of it, except for a few words. So, if i dropped the word ‘balloon’ into the middle of a story, then the story became about balloons to Alexa. And any world that has balloons for kids in it can’t be too bad of a place. Actually, it could be a very bad place, but that is a story for another day.
I’d tell the stories to try the ideas in my mind as well. It was becoming obvious that we were in the wrong place and that things would have to change. I’d play Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol over and over and sing and hum it until we both fell asleep. Now, two years later, when things are better in many ways, I miss how perfect the space that we made in the middle of the storm was. I miss Alexa.